Waiting on third IVF

submitted by Jen

This is the first day of my third 2ww. My first two IVF cycles failed. The first one was with my then husband, and I was so stressed out. I got ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). It was the summer of 2006. I got upset at him for every little thing, some things littler than others, and the schedule was difficult because we needed to move 1000 miles away between the retrieval and the transfer. He did the move and I followed, then I started work right away.

When I got the call that I wasn’t pregnant I thought the nurse was joking. The embryos had high fragmentation. I was so upset that I told my husband we had to take a weekend away, right away. A good friend at work who was also ttc got her good news the same day. I spent about two months researching my options, the details of fragmentation, getting second, third, and fourth opinions on chat lines (AFA) with doctors, with RESOLVE, with doctors I saw in person.

The next time I tried IVF was this past March-April. I got OHSS again and I was in the middle of an acrimonious divorce. The embryos looked a lot better this time and had low fragmentation. My dr wanted to try again, on a lower dose of gonal-F and repronex, and we did it. I cried once a day because I felt so alone. I did get better at the SC injections. The IM injection of HcG took a few tries, and when I succeeded I called a friend. I think I knew it didn’t work in advance, and when the nurse called I wasn’t surprised.

I was okay until I talked to my mom, at which point her crying led me to cry. I had to suspend treatments for four months at that point because of travel and work.

My biggest fear is miscarriage, because I’ll have gotten my hopes up for weeks and then I’ll be devastated.

My biggest fear is that I’ll be disappointed; that I’m ‘jinxing’ myself by thinking too much and telling family and a few close friends about the process. Like I’ll let them down, and let myself down. I want to do something meaningful every day of this
two-week journey, no matter how small it is. Today I asked for something I wanted -- dinner delivered to me by a family member -- and I got it. The pleasure in knowing I can ask others for what I need, which hasn’t always been the case, and the fact of their response are equally important to me.

I went to yoga this morning for the first time in months, and I loved it. I am proud of that too. I hope that I can live these two weeks in ways that are dignified and
loving and passionate. That I’ll hope, and accept the outcome no matter what it is. I got through it on those earlier tries, didn’t I?

Too Good To Be True

submitted by Jeanne:

Too good to be true – the first words that came to my mind when I thought I was pregnant (that little stick had a dark line!) and when the nurse confirmed it after my bloodwork.

Wow – here I am, 40, and I only had 3 unmedicated IUIs. Many women talk about trying multiple times and eventually introducing fertility medications. Could I have really been so lucky? Let’s face it, up to now, in the “dream family” area, I haven’t been so lucky. No Prince Charming came by on his horse to build the big house with the white picket fence for our 10 kids.

At 6 weeks, I nervously went for my first ultrasound. What if something is wrong? I almost didn’t believe the doctor when she said there was something there, with a heartbeat! I saw the small blip on the monitor, beating away. Okay, so maybe it is true. Then I remember that I’m only 6 weeks, lots could go wrong. But, am I spoiling everything by being so negative? People in my life are telling me to enjoy it – that I can’t worry about it all the time.

So, time passes. Everything seems to be fine. I’m eating well and doing everything I’m supposed to. I relax enough to venture into the maternity clothing shops. Do I dare actually buy something? I decide I have to think positively and I need to build up my wardrobe eventually. I start to let myself get a bit excited, always realizing I shouldn’t get too attached to the “potential baby“ yet.

More time passes – I can’t wait to tell people at work that I’m pregnant. Three other women there are due a few months before me. By now, my family and close friends know I’m pregnant. I have a 12-week ultrasound scheduled on a Monday and decide I will tell everyone about the pregnancy the next day at the staff meeting. Might as well make sure everything is okay first. I had thought to myself, and actually jokingly said to some friends, that it will be nice to have confirmation that there is actually still a baby there. I am feeling fine and there are no signs of any trouble.

I decide to attend the ultrasound alone. It’s fairly routine and the baby won’t look like much yet. An OB/GYN will be doing the ultrasound for me. I get special treatment because of the way the baby was conceived, they tell me. The doctor is an hour behind, but I finally make it into the ultrasound room. She’s with a student, who will be observing the procedure. She starts to look, but can’t seem to find what she’s looking for. She mumbles something about gas, and says we’ll have to try a vaginal ultrasound. She jokes that my lunch (causing gas) is making it tough to see. I start to get a bit nervous, but she seems to act like nothing is wrong. I’m sent to empty my bladder.

When I return, I notice the monitor has been moved to face away from me. No one is saying much and she begins to look around. She snaps a few pictures, but is not saying anything. I think that was the point that I stopped breathing. She looks up and says it’s not good news. Millions of things go through my mind in that split second. At some point I realize she’s telling me that there’s no baby there...nothing...gone.

She can see an empty sac, that’s all. She and the student are just looking at me. I’m not sure if they expect that I’ll collapse or break down. How am I supposed to react? One minute ago I was thinking about all the people I was going to e-mail the ultrasound picture to and about how I’m going to shock my co-workers when they find out what I’ve been up to. The next minute, it’s all over. Gone.

The doctor is very kind and explains my options – wait for the miscarriage to happen or induce it with drugs or a D&C. I’m still sitting there stunned, not able to make any decisions. She must have realized this, because she said we could wait another week and check again. This is what I decide to do.

I go home and start to read all the stuff on the Internet that talks about misdiagnosed miscarriages. I know it’s likely false hope, but could that be what’s happening to me? I haven’t had any bleeding, cramps, etc. I decide it’s good that I’m waiting a week before doing anything, just in case.

A week crawls by. I go to work and pretend all is the same. After all, they don’t know I was pregnant. They have no idea I’d even been trying!

Partly I’m relieved that I don’t have to catch them looking at me with pity, but partly I feel that my loss is not given justice. Part of me can’t help thinking they would think, 'well, what does she expect? Trying to get pregnant that way, and at her age!'

The few friends and family that do know are supportive and caring. But at the end of the day, when you’re single, you go through this alone. The loss isn’t the same to someone who wasn’t the potential parent. There’s no daddy to grieve with. I know that “daddies” aren’t always supportive, but some are! And I didn’t even have the option of having one that is. Another loss to grieve alone.

I return to the doctor, knowing she was right. The baby is gone. A missed miscarriage – that’s why I have had no symptoms. Another ultrasound confirms that. I decide to take the medication that will induce miscarriage so that I can start trying again as soon as possible.

I’m told the medication will cause some pain and bleeding, then it will be done. Again, I feel a bit sorry for myself that I have to endure this experience without a partner. Without getting into huge detail, I end up reacting unusually to the medication. I hemorrhage for 17 hours – 15 of those hours are spent in hospital. I end up having to have the D&C I was hoping to avoid. It takes me over a week to recover from the blood loss. This will delay getting back to “normal” a couple more months.

I search the Internet for support. Most of the time I’m okay, but sometimes it overwhelms me. Miscarriage is hard for any woman. But I can’t help thinking about the fact that I don’t have endless time or an endless supply of sperm. I can’t just get back to trying and see what happens. Given the financial expense, I have to be reasonably sure that my body is ready for another pregnancy.

It’s hard to find a website that supports someone like me. All the ones I find talk about the couple coping with miscarriage. Can they really understand my situation? Maybe I’m not giving them a chance. But, I just feel they’ll read my story and pity me for not being able to find a man. Maybe I’m wrong about that, but I don’t have the energy to find out right now.

So now I wait until I have one natural cycle, and plan to try again. I hope I can stay sane through all this. I hope that if – no, when – I do get pregnant again, I won’t live in constant fear of losing the baby. I know I will probably wait until I’m almost giving birth before I tell everyone again – if I can hide it that long!

I keep trying to tell myself that it’s not too good to be true. That this can happen for me...

Worrying about miscarriage

A Choice Mom-in-the-making, 8 weeks pregnant, reported on her first prenatal visit. It was a scary prospect for her originally -- a year earlier she discovered there was no heartbeat during that first prenatal visit. Now, heartbeat strong, she knew she was taking a step further than she'd gone before...."and I feel so much -- every pinch, stretch, pull in my lower abdomen, and I find it difficult not to worry." She had looked up symptoms of miscarriage, and was simply looking to the Choice Mom community for reassurance that others had felt what she was feeling. She hadn't yet talked to friends about her journey, because she wants to get past the first trimester before sharing her news.

Choice Mom Christine responded:
Welcome to the beginning of motherhood -- and it sounds like you are following the normal 'worry' path! In one of my baby chat groups, a woman actually laid out the stages of motherhood worry: worrying about miscarriage, about movement and kick counts throughout pregnancy, about birth, about SIDS, about meeting their developmental milestones, about autism. And I think that pretty much gets you through the first three years!

This is not to belittle your worries -- they are in fact very real -- especially when you have already gone through the disappointment that you have. I just wanted to know that you are not alone. If you are truly concerned, I would contact your doc. Also, if you find yourself getting really anxious, close your eyes and remember seeing that heartbeat on the ultrasound and focus positive energy and thoughts down that way.

I don't know if the following will help, but it helped me when I was pregnant with my first. I, too, was very worried about the prospect of miscarriage throughout my first trimester. I had a very good friend who has two children, and I was voicing my concerns to her. She said she was also worried with her first child because she was in law school at the time and carrying a 80 lb. backpack filled with heavy law books all over campus. She said when she brought it up to her doctor (whether the heavy load could lead to miscarriage), he told her that this fetus is either implanted securely or not -- and that there was not a lot she could do from the outside to change things either way.

As a controlling person, it helped me to realize I could not physically control this situation, and it helped me to let go. Whenever I felt myself worrying, I would remind myself I had no control and how much energy all this worry was wasting.

Good luck to you!
Christine, 44, mom to 3.5 year old and 34 weeks with #2

Another Choice Mom-in-the-making wrote:
After two miscarriages (including one of them only discovered at my first prenatal visit, like you), I also worried about every single weird feeling, every bit of discharge, and still don't feel completely relaxed. But I am at 8 months and things look good, so I just wanted to say that I totally understand how you feel and it is very possible to feel that way and still get this far.

I wish you tons of continued sticky baby dust!