Waiting on third IVF

submitted by Jen

This is the first day of my third 2ww. My first two IVF cycles failed. The first one was with my then husband, and I was so stressed out. I got ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). It was the summer of 2006. I got upset at him for every little thing, some things littler than others, and the schedule was difficult because we needed to move 1000 miles away between the retrieval and the transfer. He did the move and I followed, then I started work right away.

When I got the call that I wasn’t pregnant I thought the nurse was joking. The embryos had high fragmentation. I was so upset that I told my husband we had to take a weekend away, right away. A good friend at work who was also ttc got her good news the same day. I spent about two months researching my options, the details of fragmentation, getting second, third, and fourth opinions on chat lines (AFA) with doctors, with RESOLVE, with doctors I saw in person.

The next time I tried IVF was this past March-April. I got OHSS again and I was in the middle of an acrimonious divorce. The embryos looked a lot better this time and had low fragmentation. My dr wanted to try again, on a lower dose of gonal-F and repronex, and we did it. I cried once a day because I felt so alone. I did get better at the SC injections. The IM injection of HcG took a few tries, and when I succeeded I called a friend. I think I knew it didn’t work in advance, and when the nurse called I wasn’t surprised.

I was okay until I talked to my mom, at which point her crying led me to cry. I had to suspend treatments for four months at that point because of travel and work.

My biggest fear is miscarriage, because I’ll have gotten my hopes up for weeks and then I’ll be devastated.

My biggest fear is that I’ll be disappointed; that I’m ‘jinxing’ myself by thinking too much and telling family and a few close friends about the process. Like I’ll let them down, and let myself down. I want to do something meaningful every day of this
two-week journey, no matter how small it is. Today I asked for something I wanted -- dinner delivered to me by a family member -- and I got it. The pleasure in knowing I can ask others for what I need, which hasn’t always been the case, and the fact of their response are equally important to me.

I went to yoga this morning for the first time in months, and I loved it. I am proud of that too. I hope that I can live these two weeks in ways that are dignified and
loving and passionate. That I’ll hope, and accept the outcome no matter what it is. I got through it on those earlier tries, didn’t I?

Phantom pregnancies and other bumps in the night

a thread on the discussion board from women in the agonizing WAIT stage prompted this response from Lorie, well worth sharing:

This post is great because it bought out all the "weird" things we do when TTC.

Leading up to the first try I had rearranged my whole life mentally. I had a serious talk to my flatmate (I was sharing with my best friend) about the baby that was coming and telling her that she needed to decide whether she was prepared to share with a single mother and baby etc etc.

Three days after my IUI, I started getting pregnancy symptoms, needing to go to the toilet often, feeling like my tummy had gotten bigger. A few days later I thought my breast were so much bigger that I needed a new bra. By this stage my flatmate thought I had completely lost the plot and said she really began getting worried when I kept putting my hand on my belly like 9-month pregnant women do.

Of course my weirdness must have rubbed off because when I did my pregnancy test on some ridiculous day, like day 8, I got a very very faint line and I remember jumping for joy with her in the bathroom and then she said "I'll do the other pregnancy test too, to make sure they work," knowing that she couldn't be pregnant. I remember jumping for joy that hers was blank.

I also remember how much sadder I got each day after that joyful day, when my pregnancy tests were blank. When my period finally came, it was the first time I really understood the true significance of bleeding each month -- previously it was something that was just annoying really. And then the emptiness of the next few days.

Of course I giggle now looking back, because being blessed enough to have become pregnant -- five tries and two years later -- I now understand when the symptoms come (or more to the point, how late in the pregnancy they actually come).

But that first try...I was so excited and so hopeful and so certain. I had done lots of reading and was practically a pregnancy symptoms expert before the IUI. Prior to my first attempt I would longingly look at baby things all the time and had to stop myself from buying them.

One of the real joys I had during pregnancy was when I felt I was able to look AND buy. I had sooo many baby clothes by the time my baby was born -- she happened to be born about the size of a 3-month-old at birth and didn't even fit into half the little cutey things I had bought.

Everything about wanting a baby is weird, but in a wonderful way. How it creeps up on you, how it overtakes your every cell, and how you will go through so much to get one. And how scary it is when it fails. And how hard it is sometimes to resign yourself to the fact that its not going to be (as I did when I was T42, six IVF treatments later, having to start from scratch each time).

I think that it's nature's way of letting us know that we are ready and making us do what it takes to get one.

So I say cheers to all the weird things that push us along to one of the most magnificent journeys you could ever undertake.