Waiting on third IVF

submitted by Jen

This is the first day of my third 2ww. My first two IVF cycles failed. The first one was with my then husband, and I was so stressed out. I got ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). It was the summer of 2006. I got upset at him for every little thing, some things littler than others, and the schedule was difficult because we needed to move 1000 miles away between the retrieval and the transfer. He did the move and I followed, then I started work right away.

When I got the call that I wasn’t pregnant I thought the nurse was joking. The embryos had high fragmentation. I was so upset that I told my husband we had to take a weekend away, right away. A good friend at work who was also ttc got her good news the same day. I spent about two months researching my options, the details of fragmentation, getting second, third, and fourth opinions on chat lines (AFA) with doctors, with RESOLVE, with doctors I saw in person.

The next time I tried IVF was this past March-April. I got OHSS again and I was in the middle of an acrimonious divorce. The embryos looked a lot better this time and had low fragmentation. My dr wanted to try again, on a lower dose of gonal-F and repronex, and we did it. I cried once a day because I felt so alone. I did get better at the SC injections. The IM injection of HcG took a few tries, and when I succeeded I called a friend. I think I knew it didn’t work in advance, and when the nurse called I wasn’t surprised.

I was okay until I talked to my mom, at which point her crying led me to cry. I had to suspend treatments for four months at that point because of travel and work.

My biggest fear is miscarriage, because I’ll have gotten my hopes up for weeks and then I’ll be devastated.

My biggest fear is that I’ll be disappointed; that I’m ‘jinxing’ myself by thinking too much and telling family and a few close friends about the process. Like I’ll let them down, and let myself down. I want to do something meaningful every day of this
two-week journey, no matter how small it is. Today I asked for something I wanted -- dinner delivered to me by a family member -- and I got it. The pleasure in knowing I can ask others for what I need, which hasn’t always been the case, and the fact of their response are equally important to me.

I went to yoga this morning for the first time in months, and I loved it. I am proud of that too. I hope that I can live these two weeks in ways that are dignified and
loving and passionate. That I’ll hope, and accept the outcome no matter what it is. I got through it on those earlier tries, didn’t I?

Waiting on IVF eggs...

submitted by Kriste

I am in my first (and only) 2ww. I underwent an IVF transfer on Tuesday. I can only afford to do this once, so to be honest, I am almost dreading the blood test next week. It could be a wonderful day, or it might be devastating. In any case, good luck to you! It is so hard to be in limbo like this. I'll be thinking of you.

For anyone who is interested in the experience of my last few days, you are welcome to read on . . .

My younger sister is my egg donor. The egg retrieval came sooner than we expected. It was on Saturday morning, and it didn't go as well as we had hoped. The doctors were not able to reach one of her ovaries at all, so there were only 6 oocytes retrieved. We were very disappointed; no one had told us that this could happen, but they had told us that were at least 12 ready to retrieve. Since this is the only retrieval I was planning on subjecting my dear sister to, we were really counting on those 12 (I was hoping to cryopreserve at least 2 embryos for another try, in case this time didn't work). We were both pretty crushed on Saturday. I was even more so because I knew my sister was upset, and that alone broke my heart.

On Sunday, the embryologist called to say that only 3 of the eggs had fertilized. I spent all of Sunday and Monday terribly depressed and worried about further attrition. I had not contemplated the possibility of coming *this* far and then maybe not having anything to transfer.

The transfer was on Tuesday morning. There was only one really good embryo that had made it to the 8 cell division. One was 5 cells with fragments and the other was only 4 cells. The doctors said that it was possible those last 2 embryos would develop further if they were in the womb, but that they probably wouldn't do as well in the lab, and they probably would not survive cryopreservation. Considering that this was my one and only chance, the doctors felt that it was okay to transfer all 3, even though the limit at this clinic is 2. I was okay with that, since I was not feeling very optimistic.

In summary, I have been alternately freaked out or depressed since Friday (that was the day I started the evil progesterone shots), but yesterday I started to feel a little more positive. I've decided to concentrate very hard on the "now". Right "now", I have three tiny embryos floating around in my uterus- three potential beings! I was diagnosed with POF at age 14 and never in my life thought that this would be possible, so that itself is worth celebrating, right? (Oh, I have pictures of them too- isn't that so weird? Imagine having pics of yourself as an embryo in your baby book!) Hopefully this weekend at least one of them will implant . . .

In the meantime, I am ready to burst into tears at the slightest provocation.