Too Good To Be True

submitted by Jeanne:

Too good to be true – the first words that came to my mind when I thought I was pregnant (that little stick had a dark line!) and when the nurse confirmed it after my bloodwork.

Wow – here I am, 40, and I only had 3 unmedicated IUIs. Many women talk about trying multiple times and eventually introducing fertility medications. Could I have really been so lucky? Let’s face it, up to now, in the “dream family” area, I haven’t been so lucky. No Prince Charming came by on his horse to build the big house with the white picket fence for our 10 kids.

At 6 weeks, I nervously went for my first ultrasound. What if something is wrong? I almost didn’t believe the doctor when she said there was something there, with a heartbeat! I saw the small blip on the monitor, beating away. Okay, so maybe it is true. Then I remember that I’m only 6 weeks, lots could go wrong. But, am I spoiling everything by being so negative? People in my life are telling me to enjoy it – that I can’t worry about it all the time.

So, time passes. Everything seems to be fine. I’m eating well and doing everything I’m supposed to. I relax enough to venture into the maternity clothing shops. Do I dare actually buy something? I decide I have to think positively and I need to build up my wardrobe eventually. I start to let myself get a bit excited, always realizing I shouldn’t get too attached to the “potential baby“ yet.

More time passes – I can’t wait to tell people at work that I’m pregnant. Three other women there are due a few months before me. By now, my family and close friends know I’m pregnant. I have a 12-week ultrasound scheduled on a Monday and decide I will tell everyone about the pregnancy the next day at the staff meeting. Might as well make sure everything is okay first. I had thought to myself, and actually jokingly said to some friends, that it will be nice to have confirmation that there is actually still a baby there. I am feeling fine and there are no signs of any trouble.

I decide to attend the ultrasound alone. It’s fairly routine and the baby won’t look like much yet. An OB/GYN will be doing the ultrasound for me. I get special treatment because of the way the baby was conceived, they tell me. The doctor is an hour behind, but I finally make it into the ultrasound room. She’s with a student, who will be observing the procedure. She starts to look, but can’t seem to find what she’s looking for. She mumbles something about gas, and says we’ll have to try a vaginal ultrasound. She jokes that my lunch (causing gas) is making it tough to see. I start to get a bit nervous, but she seems to act like nothing is wrong. I’m sent to empty my bladder.

When I return, I notice the monitor has been moved to face away from me. No one is saying much and she begins to look around. She snaps a few pictures, but is not saying anything. I think that was the point that I stopped breathing. She looks up and says it’s not good news. Millions of things go through my mind in that split second. At some point I realize she’s telling me that there’s no baby there...nothing...gone.

She can see an empty sac, that’s all. She and the student are just looking at me. I’m not sure if they expect that I’ll collapse or break down. How am I supposed to react? One minute ago I was thinking about all the people I was going to e-mail the ultrasound picture to and about how I’m going to shock my co-workers when they find out what I’ve been up to. The next minute, it’s all over. Gone.

The doctor is very kind and explains my options – wait for the miscarriage to happen or induce it with drugs or a D&C. I’m still sitting there stunned, not able to make any decisions. She must have realized this, because she said we could wait another week and check again. This is what I decide to do.

I go home and start to read all the stuff on the Internet that talks about misdiagnosed miscarriages. I know it’s likely false hope, but could that be what’s happening to me? I haven’t had any bleeding, cramps, etc. I decide it’s good that I’m waiting a week before doing anything, just in case.

A week crawls by. I go to work and pretend all is the same. After all, they don’t know I was pregnant. They have no idea I’d even been trying!

Partly I’m relieved that I don’t have to catch them looking at me with pity, but partly I feel that my loss is not given justice. Part of me can’t help thinking they would think, 'well, what does she expect? Trying to get pregnant that way, and at her age!'

The few friends and family that do know are supportive and caring. But at the end of the day, when you’re single, you go through this alone. The loss isn’t the same to someone who wasn’t the potential parent. There’s no daddy to grieve with. I know that “daddies” aren’t always supportive, but some are! And I didn’t even have the option of having one that is. Another loss to grieve alone.

I return to the doctor, knowing she was right. The baby is gone. A missed miscarriage – that’s why I have had no symptoms. Another ultrasound confirms that. I decide to take the medication that will induce miscarriage so that I can start trying again as soon as possible.

I’m told the medication will cause some pain and bleeding, then it will be done. Again, I feel a bit sorry for myself that I have to endure this experience without a partner. Without getting into huge detail, I end up reacting unusually to the medication. I hemorrhage for 17 hours – 15 of those hours are spent in hospital. I end up having to have the D&C I was hoping to avoid. It takes me over a week to recover from the blood loss. This will delay getting back to “normal” a couple more months.

I search the Internet for support. Most of the time I’m okay, but sometimes it overwhelms me. Miscarriage is hard for any woman. But I can’t help thinking about the fact that I don’t have endless time or an endless supply of sperm. I can’t just get back to trying and see what happens. Given the financial expense, I have to be reasonably sure that my body is ready for another pregnancy.

It’s hard to find a website that supports someone like me. All the ones I find talk about the couple coping with miscarriage. Can they really understand my situation? Maybe I’m not giving them a chance. But, I just feel they’ll read my story and pity me for not being able to find a man. Maybe I’m wrong about that, but I don’t have the energy to find out right now.

So now I wait until I have one natural cycle, and plan to try again. I hope I can stay sane through all this. I hope that if – no, when – I do get pregnant again, I won’t live in constant fear of losing the baby. I know I will probably wait until I’m almost giving birth before I tell everyone again – if I can hide it that long!

I keep trying to tell myself that it’s not too good to be true. That this can happen for me...

Angry about waiting, trying, waiting...

submitted by Joni:

Hi everyone. As expected it will be back to the drawing board so to speak. My temperature fell today, so Aunt Flo is on her way. I'm sad, sad, sad. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, and I knew that it sometimes takes a long time to get pregnant — even if you are healthy, young and part of a couple. I know many friends who tell me it took them more than 6 months to conceive. But I also have friends that seem to get pregnant instantly. I really wish I was one of those and could get off of this rollercoaster already.

In my heart of hearts I thought I'd be pregnant after 6 months. I really did. Probably naive, but that is what I dreamed. I had great results from my fertility testing, and I'm healthy. Yet I'm not pregnant. I guess that is why this month seems so much harder than the rest.

I'm also angry. At me — for waiting for so long to actually do this. I can't help but wonder if I had done it a couple of years earlier if it would have made a difference. I was ready then too — but still held out hope that I would be in a solid relationship by now. And then I'm angry that I'm putting off dating to find someone because I'm trying to conceive (trust me, it gets awkward after about 3 dates!). So it's this awful Catch-22. If I wait to find someone, I most likely won't be able to have children by the time we are ready to as a couple. But the longer it takes to get pregnant, the longer I'm on my own, and the higher the likelihood that I won't get pregnant anyway. And I think I'd be a great mom.

It's also been a year since I actively started on this path, I stopped thinking about doing this and started doing it. Last December I spoke with my family doctor about a referral to a fertility clinic. And in February I began the journey in earnest. I had my first IUI in April. When I started I fully expected that before the year was out, I'd be pregnant.

The good news is that with every new cycle there is new hope. And I'm sure I'll start feeling excited about trying again in a day or so. But today, I can't imagine it will ever happen.

Worrying about miscarriage

A Choice Mom-in-the-making, 8 weeks pregnant, reported on her first prenatal visit. It was a scary prospect for her originally -- a year earlier she discovered there was no heartbeat during that first prenatal visit. Now, heartbeat strong, she knew she was taking a step further than she'd gone before...."and I feel so much -- every pinch, stretch, pull in my lower abdomen, and I find it difficult not to worry." She had looked up symptoms of miscarriage, and was simply looking to the Choice Mom community for reassurance that others had felt what she was feeling. She hadn't yet talked to friends about her journey, because she wants to get past the first trimester before sharing her news.

Choice Mom Christine responded:
Welcome to the beginning of motherhood -- and it sounds like you are following the normal 'worry' path! In one of my baby chat groups, a woman actually laid out the stages of motherhood worry: worrying about miscarriage, about movement and kick counts throughout pregnancy, about birth, about SIDS, about meeting their developmental milestones, about autism. And I think that pretty much gets you through the first three years!

This is not to belittle your worries -- they are in fact very real -- especially when you have already gone through the disappointment that you have. I just wanted to know that you are not alone. If you are truly concerned, I would contact your doc. Also, if you find yourself getting really anxious, close your eyes and remember seeing that heartbeat on the ultrasound and focus positive energy and thoughts down that way.

I don't know if the following will help, but it helped me when I was pregnant with my first. I, too, was very worried about the prospect of miscarriage throughout my first trimester. I had a very good friend who has two children, and I was voicing my concerns to her. She said she was also worried with her first child because she was in law school at the time and carrying a 80 lb. backpack filled with heavy law books all over campus. She said when she brought it up to her doctor (whether the heavy load could lead to miscarriage), he told her that this fetus is either implanted securely or not -- and that there was not a lot she could do from the outside to change things either way.

As a controlling person, it helped me to realize I could not physically control this situation, and it helped me to let go. Whenever I felt myself worrying, I would remind myself I had no control and how much energy all this worry was wasting.

Good luck to you!
Christine, 44, mom to 3.5 year old and 34 weeks with #2

Another Choice Mom-in-the-making wrote:
After two miscarriages (including one of them only discovered at my first prenatal visit, like you), I also worried about every single weird feeling, every bit of discharge, and still don't feel completely relaxed. But I am at 8 months and things look good, so I just wanted to say that I totally understand how you feel and it is very possible to feel that way and still get this far.

I wish you tons of continued sticky baby dust!

Identifying your pivot points

I can be an impatient person. I like to gnaw and obsess and fixate on a problem until I've figured it out and can move on.

Being in the waiting stage of the Choice Mom journey is very much a process largely out of our control. We need to wait for the referral....the test....the savings...the due date...the right time. Women in the Waiting stage regularly visit the Choice Moms discussion board and ask if there is anything they can do to make the waiting easier.

I have a new solution for this agonizing stage: Bide the time by identifying your pivot points. It's fun. It's reflective. It's something totally in your control because it involves only the benefit of your own perspective.

At a workshop I attended at my church a year ago, we were asked to discuss the points along our spiritual journey that helped us become who we are today. It was intended as an innocent get-acquainted step, but became a profound process for every one of us in the circle. Because, really, how often do any of us have the opportunity to think back to specific moments and people who made an impact on our lives, and then articulate it to others?

It was a watershed moment for me. Dare I say, a pivotal moment.

Since then I have consciously been noodling thoughts about how each of us evolves from a handful of life-shaping experiences. Some of these moments are tragic. Some are simple. Some are profound. Some take years before we can realize the impact.

One of my first pivot points, as I call them, was meeting my friend Troy in ninth grade. He was someone who colored freely outside the lines. To this day, despite a great deal of ups and downs between us in the intervening years, he remains my most loyal friend and knows all of my secrets.

I've had about 7 pivot points since then. Moments that deeply affected the course I was on. And these days, I'm consciously dusting them off, greeting them, and embracing them -- even the bad ones -- in order to pass the time between this particular stage of my life and the next.

Two weeks ago, I talked to a new friend about a person I had lost touch with more than 10 years ago, who unwittingly had a major influence on my life but never knew it.

I regret very few things in life, but one that did occasionally gnaw at me was that my old friend never knew that a few comments she made during a simple girls' night outing back in the 1990s led me to deal with some old baggage and eventually open up into the much deeper life I have today. I sometimes wonder, had she not been that pivot point for me, whether I would be a Mom now.

In true amazing universe fashion, after dusting off this old memory with my new friend two weeks ago, I ran into my pivot point not 15 minutes after arriving back in New York City for a Choice Mom workshop. I got her email address and, a few days later, had the pleasure of writing her the story about how she unknowingly had such a major influence on my life.

It felt great!

While you're waiting for the next stage of your life to begin, take the time to reflect and honor the big moments, small moments, unhappy moments, and pivotal encounters that have led you to become the very person you are today.

Warmly,
Mikki

My long wait turned into a short one!

from Julie, who is suddenly a mom after some tough times

I've been out of the loop for a while since my life has been a little hectic for the last month, but wanted to update the group on my newest family member!

Just as I was in the 2ww for my 7th IUI, I got confirmation that I had been chosen to adopt a little boy. That same week I had to put my 14 year old dog to sleep and my car was broken into and my purse stolen! Ugh! When it rains, it comes a torrential rain storm.

The birth mother is the daughter of a woman I work with. The grandma was aware of my miscarriage last year, my difficulty conceiving again, and how much I wanted to be a mom. She is also raising the other two children of the birth mother. She was encouraging her daughter to give this little one up for adoption as she is living on state assistance and presently not raising her other two children.

Her daughter struggled with her decision since April, when I first heard about her pregnancy. She made her final decision to give him to me only about 4 weeks ago. I thought I had until August 31st to get ready for him, but boy was I wrong. Luckily, my home study and FBI finger prints were completed just in the nick of time.

I was at work when I got the call that her water had broken and that I needed to meet her at the hospital. I got there in great time to be with her, just the two of us, and bond before my son made his debut. The grandmother and two of my dear friends made it just in time to help the birth mother push and watch him be born. The birth was amazing to be a part of. It was joyous and serene. We all laughed and cried together.

My son came out floppy and gave us all a scare. He wound up in the NICU right away and within a couple of hours needed to be transferred to another hospital for more specialized care. Where did he wind up but the very hospital and the very NICU where I work! Talk about surreal. It is really unusual to be walking the halls of my work place as a parent. He was 5 weeks early and got an infection coming through the birth canal. He has made great strides in the past 2 weeks and we should get sprung from the hospital on Saturday!

I will be keeping this an open adoption. I promised the birth mother that my son would know who she is as he grows. We have developed a deep trust and respect for each other in this short time. The birth mother is now hopeful for her future and plans to go to school and gain some working skills so that she can get her other two kids back and support them. I believe she will do it. I'm so happy she is talking about her future and trying to make good choices. She has already started the process by making the most loving decision possible for my son's future. She tells me she is at peace with her decision and knew from the first day she met me that her mind was made up. I was chosen!!! How lucky can a girl possibly be?!

The past 2 years have been no picnic for me in this fertility process. Many times I have lost my faith and failed to believe in such a thing as karma. Now, karma rushes toward me in a tidal wave. My joy is overwhelming. I couldn't be more in love with this child and I realize now that although I would have been happy to carry him for 10 months in my tummy, it absolutely doesn't matter that I didn't. I feel him coursing through my veins. He is part of my soul and he fills my heart to the point where I think it will burst inside my chest.

I pray for all of you in the Choice Mom struggle that something this joyous comes your way. I never dreamed it would happen for me. I felt it slipping from my grasp many times and felt despair at the possibility of living my life without experiencing motherhood. Keep your faith throughout your process. And if you can't, I'll keep it for you until you are ready to carry it again on your own.

Peace,
Julie and son

How can I share my disappointment?

from Julie

What I struggle with when it comes to waiting is not the 2WW part, but the longer term.

When you make this decision to become a mother, it takes commitment on so many levels. The life you know before being a mother is very different from the one after becoming a mother. When going through one failed attempt after another, whether it's inseminations or adoptions, it is so difficult to gauge how to adjust to the disappointment.

And the people in your life -- friends and family -- don't fully understand this path you are on even when they are supportive of your decision.

For me, knowing if I should tell people I've had yet another IUI or not is tricky. I was elated after the first one and didn't hold back about telling people if they wanted to know my story. Now, it feels like it's just a burden to tell some of my friends because they don't know how to support me. And truthfully, I don't know the answer to that, either. I don't know if a dialogue about it helps or hurts when I could be in a state of bliss or a state of despair after that 2WW.

If only my crystal ball could tell me what the future has in store for me!

The Final Countdown, Medieval Style

from Cathi, the really-really-close-Choice Mom-in-the-making, who had her last day of work today and is awaiting induction in a week if Junior doesn't decide to appear of her own volition first

I woke up this morning, just like any other day. I struggled to awkwardly roll to one side and basically fall out of bed, just like any other day the past three months. And I fielded questions all day about Junior’s imminent arrival, just like I have for the past few weeks.

No, I haven’t gone into labor yet. I would be having a much more difficult time forming coherent sentences if that were the case. Yes, I’m excited, in much the same way as if you were told you were going to be given a $1 million dollar shopping spree and have an appendage cut off. No, I’m pretty sure that the next eight weeks off work will not be like a vacation, what with the copious bleeding and screeching baby and lack of sleep.

I knew I wasn’t going to deliver on my due date, so the letdown isn’t as bad as you might think. Everyone in my family goes late, and none of my recent bodily violations — aka doctor’s appointments — had given me any false hope about Junior being cooperative. I expected no less from a daughter of mine.

That being said, it doesn’t help with the impatience or the discomfort or the irritability. This is the real reason women were confined back in the day – so they wouldn’t annoy the hell out of everyone else. Or have access to labor-inducing devices. Which back then were herbs and, what? Donkey rides? Those lucky wenches, I’d love to be locked in a quiet dark room and fed weak broth and not be tormented by a telephone or laptop or well-meaning friends and family.

I am definitely becoming more open to other perspectives. I am learning to judge less. I have a new awareness and understanding of the lengths some women go to in their attempts to jump-start the labor process, and the mindset lurking behind the spicy foods and long walks. Suddenly all kinds of gels and tocins and inflatable catheters don’t seem like such bad ideas. A simple, scheduled c-section would be an afternoon picnic with watercress sandwiches. Do you think a donkey ride would help with the midnight back labor or the headaches or me just being a raving lunatic?

I know the end is near, in a good way, and likewise a whole new scary and wonderful beginning. It just can’t come fast enough when time is no longer measured in months or weeks or even days. Look, another minute just went by – can I have her now?

Enjoying the present

After a Choice Mom-in-the-making reported that she had finally conceived, she asked the community a series of questions about planning for the delivery. Christine chimed in with congratulations, and the following sage advice applicable to any woman who has been planning and waiting for the day she becomes Mom:

I smiled when I read your post, as it sounded like it could have been written by me four years ago!

I am also a planner, and when I discovered I finally had become pregnant the planning gene whirled into overdrive. The biggest obstacle (and one that delayed me from trying until I was 39) was childcare. As a firefighter, I work 24-hour shifts and I couldn't figure out how I was going to cover that when I returned to work. Now, realize I was lucky enough to be able to take 12 months off after the birth of my daughter, so she would be entering toddlerhood when I actually went back to work. I spent so much time during the pregancy worrying and trying to control these things. Early in my pregnancy I would be calling caregivers, trying to secure childcare 20 months down the road, and then wonder why they brushed me off!

Finally, about three months after my daughter's birth, I realized I was trying so hard to control the future I was missing the moment of the present. I made a conscious choice to let go of the worry and enjoy my daughter. Sure enough, about four months later a co-worker called me to tell me of a wonderful stay-at-home mom who expressed an interest in taking on my childcare challenge. She was the mother to four daughters, three of whom were almost grown and one who was seven at the time. It was the most perfect solution I could have ever hoped for, and one I would never have found on my own. What started as a childcare arrangement has grown into a family friendship, and I have watched my daughter benefit from both her immediate family and this wonderful extended family. My only sadness is that with school looming in the near future and the upcoming birth of #2, we are going to have to find another arrangement that is closer to our own home (I work in a different city than where I live).

I guess the moral of my situation is this: while it's great to plan, don't forget to take some time to be in the moment and enjoy the glory of this wonderful developing baby inside you. Things will get taken care of in the timeline they need to be, but you will never get this time back. You have plenty of time to address all of the questions and concerns you have, but you can only bask in the glow of the newly pregnant once.

To Come:

to tell or not to tell?, inspirational quotes, poetry, chat room for 2ww and referral women, favorite websites, reading recommendations