Angry about waiting, trying, waiting...

submitted by Joni:

Hi everyone. As expected it will be back to the drawing board so to speak. My temperature fell today, so Aunt Flo is on her way. I'm sad, sad, sad. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, and I knew that it sometimes takes a long time to get pregnant — even if you are healthy, young and part of a couple. I know many friends who tell me it took them more than 6 months to conceive. But I also have friends that seem to get pregnant instantly. I really wish I was one of those and could get off of this rollercoaster already.

In my heart of hearts I thought I'd be pregnant after 6 months. I really did. Probably naive, but that is what I dreamed. I had great results from my fertility testing, and I'm healthy. Yet I'm not pregnant. I guess that is why this month seems so much harder than the rest.

I'm also angry. At me — for waiting for so long to actually do this. I can't help but wonder if I had done it a couple of years earlier if it would have made a difference. I was ready then too — but still held out hope that I would be in a solid relationship by now. And then I'm angry that I'm putting off dating to find someone because I'm trying to conceive (trust me, it gets awkward after about 3 dates!). So it's this awful Catch-22. If I wait to find someone, I most likely won't be able to have children by the time we are ready to as a couple. But the longer it takes to get pregnant, the longer I'm on my own, and the higher the likelihood that I won't get pregnant anyway. And I think I'd be a great mom.

It's also been a year since I actively started on this path, I stopped thinking about doing this and started doing it. Last December I spoke with my family doctor about a referral to a fertility clinic. And in February I began the journey in earnest. I had my first IUI in April. When I started I fully expected that before the year was out, I'd be pregnant.

The good news is that with every new cycle there is new hope. And I'm sure I'll start feeling excited about trying again in a day or so. But today, I can't imagine it will ever happen.