Too Good To Be True

submitted by Jeanne:

Too good to be true – the first words that came to my mind when I thought I was pregnant (that little stick had a dark line!) and when the nurse confirmed it after my bloodwork.

Wow – here I am, 40, and I only had 3 unmedicated IUIs. Many women talk about trying multiple times and eventually introducing fertility medications. Could I have really been so lucky? Let’s face it, up to now, in the “dream family” area, I haven’t been so lucky. No Prince Charming came by on his horse to build the big house with the white picket fence for our 10 kids.

At 6 weeks, I nervously went for my first ultrasound. What if something is wrong? I almost didn’t believe the doctor when she said there was something there, with a heartbeat! I saw the small blip on the monitor, beating away. Okay, so maybe it is true. Then I remember that I’m only 6 weeks, lots could go wrong. But, am I spoiling everything by being so negative? People in my life are telling me to enjoy it – that I can’t worry about it all the time.

So, time passes. Everything seems to be fine. I’m eating well and doing everything I’m supposed to. I relax enough to venture into the maternity clothing shops. Do I dare actually buy something? I decide I have to think positively and I need to build up my wardrobe eventually. I start to let myself get a bit excited, always realizing I shouldn’t get too attached to the “potential baby“ yet.

More time passes – I can’t wait to tell people at work that I’m pregnant. Three other women there are due a few months before me. By now, my family and close friends know I’m pregnant. I have a 12-week ultrasound scheduled on a Monday and decide I will tell everyone about the pregnancy the next day at the staff meeting. Might as well make sure everything is okay first. I had thought to myself, and actually jokingly said to some friends, that it will be nice to have confirmation that there is actually still a baby there. I am feeling fine and there are no signs of any trouble.

I decide to attend the ultrasound alone. It’s fairly routine and the baby won’t look like much yet. An OB/GYN will be doing the ultrasound for me. I get special treatment because of the way the baby was conceived, they tell me. The doctor is an hour behind, but I finally make it into the ultrasound room. She’s with a student, who will be observing the procedure. She starts to look, but can’t seem to find what she’s looking for. She mumbles something about gas, and says we’ll have to try a vaginal ultrasound. She jokes that my lunch (causing gas) is making it tough to see. I start to get a bit nervous, but she seems to act like nothing is wrong. I’m sent to empty my bladder.

When I return, I notice the monitor has been moved to face away from me. No one is saying much and she begins to look around. She snaps a few pictures, but is not saying anything. I think that was the point that I stopped breathing. She looks up and says it’s not good news. Millions of things go through my mind in that split second. At some point I realize she’s telling me that there’s no baby there...nothing...gone.

She can see an empty sac, that’s all. She and the student are just looking at me. I’m not sure if they expect that I’ll collapse or break down. How am I supposed to react? One minute ago I was thinking about all the people I was going to e-mail the ultrasound picture to and about how I’m going to shock my co-workers when they find out what I’ve been up to. The next minute, it’s all over. Gone.

The doctor is very kind and explains my options – wait for the miscarriage to happen or induce it with drugs or a D&C. I’m still sitting there stunned, not able to make any decisions. She must have realized this, because she said we could wait another week and check again. This is what I decide to do.

I go home and start to read all the stuff on the Internet that talks about misdiagnosed miscarriages. I know it’s likely false hope, but could that be what’s happening to me? I haven’t had any bleeding, cramps, etc. I decide it’s good that I’m waiting a week before doing anything, just in case.

A week crawls by. I go to work and pretend all is the same. After all, they don’t know I was pregnant. They have no idea I’d even been trying!

Partly I’m relieved that I don’t have to catch them looking at me with pity, but partly I feel that my loss is not given justice. Part of me can’t help thinking they would think, 'well, what does she expect? Trying to get pregnant that way, and at her age!'

The few friends and family that do know are supportive and caring. But at the end of the day, when you’re single, you go through this alone. The loss isn’t the same to someone who wasn’t the potential parent. There’s no daddy to grieve with. I know that “daddies” aren’t always supportive, but some are! And I didn’t even have the option of having one that is. Another loss to grieve alone.

I return to the doctor, knowing she was right. The baby is gone. A missed miscarriage – that’s why I have had no symptoms. Another ultrasound confirms that. I decide to take the medication that will induce miscarriage so that I can start trying again as soon as possible.

I’m told the medication will cause some pain and bleeding, then it will be done. Again, I feel a bit sorry for myself that I have to endure this experience without a partner. Without getting into huge detail, I end up reacting unusually to the medication. I hemorrhage for 17 hours – 15 of those hours are spent in hospital. I end up having to have the D&C I was hoping to avoid. It takes me over a week to recover from the blood loss. This will delay getting back to “normal” a couple more months.

I search the Internet for support. Most of the time I’m okay, but sometimes it overwhelms me. Miscarriage is hard for any woman. But I can’t help thinking about the fact that I don’t have endless time or an endless supply of sperm. I can’t just get back to trying and see what happens. Given the financial expense, I have to be reasonably sure that my body is ready for another pregnancy.

It’s hard to find a website that supports someone like me. All the ones I find talk about the couple coping with miscarriage. Can they really understand my situation? Maybe I’m not giving them a chance. But, I just feel they’ll read my story and pity me for not being able to find a man. Maybe I’m wrong about that, but I don’t have the energy to find out right now.

So now I wait until I have one natural cycle, and plan to try again. I hope I can stay sane through all this. I hope that if – no, when – I do get pregnant again, I won’t live in constant fear of losing the baby. I know I will probably wait until I’m almost giving birth before I tell everyone again – if I can hide it that long!

I keep trying to tell myself that it’s not too good to be true. That this can happen for me...