Waiting on third IVF

submitted by Jen

This is the first day of my third 2ww. My first two IVF cycles failed. The first one was with my then husband, and I was so stressed out. I got ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). It was the summer of 2006. I got upset at him for every little thing, some things littler than others, and the schedule was difficult because we needed to move 1000 miles away between the retrieval and the transfer. He did the move and I followed, then I started work right away.

When I got the call that I wasn’t pregnant I thought the nurse was joking. The embryos had high fragmentation. I was so upset that I told my husband we had to take a weekend away, right away. A good friend at work who was also ttc got her good news the same day. I spent about two months researching my options, the details of fragmentation, getting second, third, and fourth opinions on chat lines (AFA) with doctors, with RESOLVE, with doctors I saw in person.

The next time I tried IVF was this past March-April. I got OHSS again and I was in the middle of an acrimonious divorce. The embryos looked a lot better this time and had low fragmentation. My dr wanted to try again, on a lower dose of gonal-F and repronex, and we did it. I cried once a day because I felt so alone. I did get better at the SC injections. The IM injection of HcG took a few tries, and when I succeeded I called a friend. I think I knew it didn’t work in advance, and when the nurse called I wasn’t surprised.

I was okay until I talked to my mom, at which point her crying led me to cry. I had to suspend treatments for four months at that point because of travel and work.

My biggest fear is miscarriage, because I’ll have gotten my hopes up for weeks and then I’ll be devastated.

My biggest fear is that I’ll be disappointed; that I’m ‘jinxing’ myself by thinking too much and telling family and a few close friends about the process. Like I’ll let them down, and let myself down. I want to do something meaningful every day of this
two-week journey, no matter how small it is. Today I asked for something I wanted -- dinner delivered to me by a family member -- and I got it. The pleasure in knowing I can ask others for what I need, which hasn’t always been the case, and the fact of their response are equally important to me.

I went to yoga this morning for the first time in months, and I loved it. I am proud of that too. I hope that I can live these two weeks in ways that are dignified and
loving and passionate. That I’ll hope, and accept the outcome no matter what it is. I got through it on those earlier tries, didn’t I?